Crapulence

On the topic of cooking

2006-08-05T11:26:00.000+01:00

"It's not that I find cooking difficult, its just the mixing and heating of things that gets a bit out of control."

And the Oscar for most melodramatic performance of the year goes to...

2006-08-04T15:30:00.000+01:00

Durring a heated post breakup debate - "Just leave me my pain..."

What not to say in a job interview

2006-08-04T15:16:00.000+01:00

"... and if I were their line managers, oops sorry, I'm not actually schizophrenic..."

From the philosopher...

2006-08-04T15:09:00.000+01:00

"The only difference between uncertainty and certainty is time. And there's not much any of us can do about that."

How life changes

2006-03-01T16:41:00.000Z

Ten things I knew when I was ten

1. Mum and Dad were ace.

2. Brothers weren’t.

3. Bedtime was 8:30pm.

4. I was going to be a policeman when I grew up.

5. I had a best friend.

6. I would compete in the Olympics.

7. World peace was just a wish away.

8. Everybody was equal, but some people smelled more than others.

9. You shouldn’t talk to strangers.

10. Smoking was bad for you.

Twenty things I thought I knew when I was twenty

1. Brothers weren’t that bad after all.

2. Drinking was fun.

3. Smoking was still bad for you, but fun too.

4. Drugs were just as much fun as drinking and smoking.

5. I could still be anything I wanted to be, if only I could work out what that was.

6. I would not be competing in the Olympics in this particular lifetime.

7. Friends will come and go but they’re worth having anyway.

8. It’s hard to get laid if you don’t talk to strangers, but that was the point all along.

9. Music lyrics could explain everything, if you listened hard enough.

10. Acne and car accidents are both pointless and tedious.

11. My life was going to be interesting and unique and it was sure to start soon.

12. I’d never place a personal ad.

13. No matter how good your deodorant you will still smell from time to time.

14. The idea of being gay was scary.

15. Polyester shirts were cool in a retro geek kind of way.

16. To be truly cynical, you had to once be an idealist.

17. If a friend has changed the layout of their room and changed their hairstyle in a week, spend some time with them – they’re probably in need of a friend.

18. If you sprain both ankles on the same flight of stairs, stop drinking and don’t attempt to walk too far.

19. The Internet was interesting but probably wouldn’t change people’s lives.

20. The prodigy was cool.

Thirty things I think I know approaching thirty

1. Anticipating the future is pointless – it will be better and worse than you ever expected.

2. If you buy three books in a three for two offer the third one will always be crap.

3. An opportunity to walk to work and a late bus are the same thing – it depends on how you look at it. It doesn’t matter whether you walk or stand on the side of the road swearing – both are cathartic and you’ll be late anyway.

4. Even the most model family can become dysfunctional with age.

5. Love is painful - falling is wonderful but the stop at the bottom can damn near kill you.

6. Reading is a pleasure.

7. Car accidents deserve respect – they can completely change your world.

8. Acne still sucks.

9. Laminate your queue card if you’re doing a eulogy – it stops the ink running if you cry.

10. Email lets you communicate with everyone quickly. That means you can offend more people in a less time.

11. Things that happen when you’re a child stay with you for a long time.

12. It’s scary when bar staff start to look underage.

13. I will never be a neat person and housework will always be a chore.

14. The idea of being straight was scarier than the idea of being gay.

15. The Internet changed everything. Including personal ads.

16. Acid is not a good drug.

17. Sunglasses are not just a fashion accessory.

18. Thirty year olds probably make the same number of mistakes as twenty year olds. And sound as idiotic when giving advice.

19. To loose one job unexpectedly in a year can be seen as unfortunate, to loose two is downright moronic.

20. Everyone should have at least one pathological fear.

21. The novelty of pay-day does not wear off with the years.

22. People will forgive you if you admit to being an idiot.

23. Telling the truth is easier than lying, but embellishment on CVs is essential.

24. Hair is important.

25. Baboons bums are really really ugly.

26. World peace and beauty pageants are both unrealistic aims and ugly in their execution.

27. People are, on the whole, incredibly stupid. Including you. And me.

28. Piccalilli jars smell like farts when you first open them.

29. You should never set fire to anyone’s belly button hair.

30. Karaoke is the devil’s sport.

***

2005-12-20T12:31:00.000Z

This is an excerpt from an email I received, which I can vouch for the authenticity of:

Names have been removed (***) to protect the foolish.

*** ate a live huntsman on Saturday night - one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It was part by accident which made it that much funnier. We bet him a $100 he wouldn't do it. So after a few minutes of chasing the poor bugger round the walls and roof, it fell off the roof and was left hanging on a thread of cobweb. Naturally *** stood under it and was joking round with his mouth open. The spider, scared shitless, saw a dark hole, thought of safety and dropped straight into ***'s mouth. From that point on *** didn't really have a choice, it was now a biting race. The look on his face was gold.

Weak prick, only swallowed half!

Legalese

2005-12-11T19:56:00.000Z

From the legal eagle in our midst:

The entire point is to avoid either the "brown trouser two step" or "squeaky bum syndrome".

And the overall winner for the most profound drunken abuse of linear time and space concepts is…

2005-11-01T17:34:00.000Z

But if I don’t do it now, then I’ll have to do it later in the future.

You know you've been spending too much time at work when...

2005-10-19T13:08:00.000+01:00

...in the process of offering someone more wine, you say:

"Can I update your glass?

Attack of the killer snails

2005-10-17T10:22:00.000+01:00

Upon opening the rear door of the house:

"Aaarrgghhhhh! A snail is trying to get into the house."

"Well close the door. They don’t exactly move quickly."

"Ooh, yeah. Okay."

My true love said to me

2005-10-06T09:50:00.000+01:00

"You're like a perrenial in the desert. It's not that you're not beautiful, it's just that you look wrong."

What not to say in a meeting...

2005-10-06T09:41:00.000+01:00

This gets an honourable mention becasue it was actually said sober, and yet bears all the right characteristics - unbelievably juvenile and immature, bringing looks of astonishment from surrounding adults and chuckles from fellow children. What more could you ask for really.

When asked by the project sponsor, in front of all senior members of the project team, how I thought the project was going:

"It's a bit poopie panties really"

And I sometimes wonder what happened to my career...

Intelligent design (part I)

2005-10-05T22:35:00.000+01:00

"Why do most people who believe in the story of creation oppose cloning? Wasn't God was setting an example by using Adam's rib to create Eve."

Intelligent design (part II)

2005-10-04T10:26:00.000+01:00

"God must exist. Bugs and insects were created long before humans drove cars, and yet they have transparent blood and guts so that when they get splattered on our windscreens, we can still see and don't crash. That's got to mean there's a God, surely."

Whilst in Ziguinchor

2005-10-02T21:32:00.000+01:00

"I'm sorry I'm not as drunk as you want me too be."

In defence of the realm...

2005-09-29T16:33:00.000+01:00

"I'm being seriously now!"

Jobies for Jobies (AKA Drunken Conversation No. 806)

2005-09-29T16:22:00.000+01:00

"I hate the way you don’t put things back in the same place as you found them when you change your mind in the supermarket."

"It’s called job creation."

"If I really believed in job creation I’d just shit in the street."