On the topic of cooking

"It's not that I find cooking difficult, its just the mixing and heating of things that gets a bit out of control."

And the Oscar for most melodramatic performance of the year goes to...

Durring a heated post breakup debate - "Just leave me my pain..."

What not to say in a job interview

"... and if I were their line managers, oops sorry, I'm not actually schizophrenic..."

From the philosopher...

"The only difference between uncertainty and certainty is time. And there's not much any of us can do about that."

How life changes

Ten things I knew when I was ten

1. Mum and Dad were ace.

2. Brothers weren’t.

3. Bedtime was 8:30pm.

4. I was going to be a policeman when I grew up.

5. I had a best friend.

6. I would compete in the Olympics.

7. World peace was just a wish away.

8. Everybody was equal, but some people smelled more than others.

9. You shouldn’t talk to strangers.

10. Smoking was bad for you.

Twenty things I thought I knew when I was twenty

1. Brothers weren’t that bad after all.

2. Drinking was fun.

3. Smoking was still bad for you, but fun too.

4. Drugs were just as much fun as drinking and smoking.

5. I could still be anything I wanted to be, if only I could work out what that was.

6. I would not be competing in the Olympics in this particular lifetime.

7. Friends will come and go but they’re worth having anyway.

8. It’s hard to get laid if you don’t talk to strangers, but that was the point all along.

9. Music lyrics could explain everything, if you listened hard enough.

10. Acne and car accidents are both pointless and tedious.

11. My life was going to be interesting and unique and it was sure to start soon.

12. I’d never place a personal ad.

13. No matter how good your deodorant you will still smell from time to time.

14. The idea of being gay was scary.

15. Polyester shirts were cool in a retro geek kind of way.

16. To be truly cynical, you had to once be an idealist.

17. If a friend has changed the layout of their room and changed their hairstyle in a week, spend some time with them – they’re probably in need of a friend.

18. If you sprain both ankles on the same flight of stairs, stop drinking and don’t attempt to walk too far.

19. The Internet was interesting but probably wouldn’t change people’s lives.

20. The prodigy was cool.

Thirty things I think I know approaching thirty

1. Anticipating the future is pointless – it will be better and worse than you ever expected.

2. If you buy three books in a three for two offer the third one will always be crap.

3. An opportunity to walk to work and a late bus are the same thing – it depends on how you look at it. It doesn’t matter whether you walk or stand on the side of the road swearing – both are cathartic and you’ll be late anyway.

4. Even the most model family can become dysfunctional with age.

5. Love is painful - falling is wonderful but the stop at the bottom can damn near kill you.

6. Reading is a pleasure.

7. Car accidents deserve respect – they can completely change your world.

8. Acne still sucks.

9. Laminate your queue card if you’re doing a eulogy – it stops the ink running if you cry.

10. Email lets you communicate with everyone quickly. That means you can offend more people in a less time.

11. Things that happen when you’re a child stay with you for a long time.

12. It’s scary when bar staff start to look underage.

13. I will never be a neat person and housework will always be a chore.

14. The idea of being straight was scarier than the idea of being gay.

15. The Internet changed everything. Including personal ads.

16. Acid is not a good drug.

17. Sunglasses are not just a fashion accessory.

18. Thirty year olds probably make the same number of mistakes as twenty year olds. And sound as idiotic when giving advice.

19. To loose one job unexpectedly in a year can be seen as unfortunate, to loose two is downright moronic.

20. Everyone should have at least one pathological fear.

21. The novelty of pay-day does not wear off with the years.

22. People will forgive you if you admit to being an idiot.

23. Telling the truth is easier than lying, but embellishment on CVs is essential.

24. Hair is important.

25. Baboons bums are really really ugly.

26. World peace and beauty pageants are both unrealistic aims and ugly in their execution.

27. People are, on the whole, incredibly stupid. Including you. And me.

28. Piccalilli jars smell like farts when you first open them.

29. You should never set fire to anyone’s belly button hair.

30. Karaoke is the devil’s sport.

***

This is an excerpt from an email I received, which I can vouch for the authenticity of:

Names have been removed (***) to protect the foolish.

*** ate a live huntsman on Saturday night - one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It was part by accident which made it that much funnier. We bet him a $100 he wouldn't do it. So after a few minutes of chasing the poor bugger round the walls and roof, it fell off the roof and was left hanging on a thread of cobweb. Naturally *** stood under it and was joking round with his mouth open. The spider, scared shitless, saw a dark hole, thought of safety and dropped straight into ***'s mouth. From that point on *** didn't really have a choice, it was now a biting race. The look on his face was gold.

Weak prick, only swallowed half!

Legalese

From the legal eagle in our midst:

The entire point is to avoid either the "brown trouser two step" or "squeaky bum syndrome".

And the overall winner for the most profound drunken abuse of linear time and space concepts is…

But if I don’t do it now, then I’ll have to do it later in the future.

You know you've been spending too much time at work when...

...in the process of offering someone more wine, you say:

"Can I update your glass?